Hello, my name is Julianne and I’m a Zombieholic.
(There’s a pause as the rest of the Zombieholics chant “Welcome Julianne.”)
Thank you for joining me today as we will be talking about strategies to help you survive during a Zombie Apocalypse. What I have to offer is simple and is not going to include telling you to pack a bug out bag. That’s common sense and while important, it’s just not part of the scope of this session.
There are six main strategies and they are all important. As we have no idea when the proverbial sh*t is going to hit the fan, shall we get started?
Don’t Wait: Okay, I’ll admit that seems somewhat self-explanatory but it’s probably the most important. Waiting is only going to allow your city or town to fill up with hordes of those ravenous Zombies. Recognizing that there is a problem and reacting to it quickly is only going to help keep you alive. If you turn on your television one day and hear that the dead are again walking the earth, don’t wait. Waiting is bad. Get moving. Now.
Don’t Dismiss Travelling On Foot: We all know that travelling by car is faster, offers more protection and is more efficient. Zombies can only walk as fast as their oxygen starved, dying muscles will allow them to. So why shouldn’t you dismiss travelling on foot? Everyone is going to panic, get into their cars and head out of town. What is that going to cause? Gridlock. Accidents. Cars running out of gas and adding to the gridlock. It’s going to be hell on the roads and each moment that you are stuck in gridlock, unable to move away, is only going to allow the hordes more time to catch up with you. Moving on foot allows you more freedom. As long as you can walk faster than the horde, you’ll be okay. Just remember that a car is easy to navigate around while on foot, especially on a crowded roadway. The benefit to moving on foot is the fact that you don’t need to stick to roads either. The world is your oyster; let your feet help in your survival.
Avoid, Avoid, Avoid: If at first you don’t succeed, avoid. Seriously. If you don’t need to interact with the Undead, don’t. It’s fairly straightforward. You cannot get bitten if you don’t place your body within the proximity of their mouths. You cannot get infected if you never come into contact with them. Simply avoid them. Avoid at all costs. Avoidance will help to keep you alive.
Observe, Never Assume: One of the first things during Z-Day that will kill you is assuming that you know all there is to know about zombies. We have never faced down a horde of the living dead so how can we possibly know what is likely to happen? Sure, you’ve watched the movies and read the books but what you’re absorbing is only someone’s opinion of what could happen. Are you going to allow that to be the death of you? Absolutely not. Observe what the Undead are doing and how they are behaving. That doesn’t mean engage them either. Consider this strategy as one to be performed in conjunction with avoiding the hordes at all costs. Let someone else engage them and learn from their mistakes. Surviving is important, but surviving smartly makes you the expert.
Not Everyone Is Your Friend: Just because you meet someone while you’re out foraging doesn’t mean that you should accept their lip smacking invitation for dinner. If your instincts are not screaming “Stranger Danger”, they’re broken. Without an uncontaminated protein source, you just may end up the guest of honor at a feast with your seat just a little closer to the fire than may be comfortable. If you don’t get my meaning, there might not be any hope for you. Plain and simple, other survivors could represent a multitude of horrors. Piracy will be rampant as other survivors begin to covet what you’ve got. Cannibalism may become a little more accepted as hunger does strange things to the psyche. Hell, a member of their group may even be harboring the infection, getting sicker and sicker until death finally occurs…. BAM, you’re dead! Or worse, infected. If you find yourself being invited over for dinner, trust no one – trust me on this one.
Keep Moving: You may have found yourself the perfect place to wait out the end of the world. It’s got everything you think you’ll ever need; strong walls, unobstructed views for three hundred and sixty degrees, and a stockpile of food and ammunition. It’s perfect – or is it? What happens when the Undead come knocking… and trust me, they will find you. How are you going to kill them all without attracting more? Who knows if they can hear gunfire? Or if they have a sense of collective consciousness? Something else to consider would be the fact that your stronghold may actually belong to someone else. Someone with bigger guns and the desire to use them. The war between the living and the living dead is horrible enough. No need to go adding another war into the fray. The only way to get around this is to keep moving. Sure, you can replenish your supplies, I’m not against that. What I am against is complacency. It kills. Keep moving – that’s what the Undead are going to do.
Survival is important and frankly, optimal. Keeping these six strategies in mind will help you to survive. I don’t want you to wait or dismiss travelling on foot should the situation arise. If you avoid the Undead while observing them, never assuming that you know what they’re going to do next, you should be okay. Just remember that not everyone is your friend out there and that they may have less than honorable intentions. If you keep moving, you’ll always stay one step ahead. Good luck!